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Renee Jayne

Should you sacrifice to be happy?

in Emotional & Mental Health, Love Yourself, Love Yourself Naked, Relationships, Renee's BLOG on 10/09/14

IMG_9226When I was a little girl, I learned a core belief that in order to be happy I must sacrifice myself.  I began living much of my life believing that I wasn’t worthy of happiness, joy and love and it impacted every decision I made around my food, body and relationships.

In today’s message, I want to share with you how to begin to uproot your beliefs that no longer serve you.

Before I get to how to begin to change up those core beliefs you have (and you do have some, we ALL do), I gotta share this story with you.

An example of happiness and joy came from my Grandma Sadie. She was one of those 4 foot nine inch, red lipstick wearing grandma’s with her own little style. She was spunky and cute,  loved the garden, making apple pies, being goofy and wearing high heels and leopard print in her heyday.  Grandma seemed to always be smiling and I know I wanted to be around her more because of it.

She lived with us for a while, after my parents divorced when I was 5, and I remember her walking to the door each morning, opening it up and taking in 3 deep breaths of air. It was her ritual to begin the day and she stuck to it, no matter the cold Michigan temperatures we had.

2014-10-09_12-03-45During this time, my grandma still lived in Detroit in an area that most people were moving out of because it was becoming unsafe.

She was mugged in the alley behind her house… a man used his teeth to pull the rings off her fingers.  She heard another burglar coming to the back window and snuck up on him and yelled BOO at him so loud it scared him and he ran away.  Through this, she kept her smile and was able to find the little joy in moments and it wasn’t that fake, inauthentic smile… it was real. Sure she had her tough moments, but she had a very positive energy.

Today would have been my grandma’s 107th birthday. She passed away in 2003 within an hour of me becoming engaged to my son’s father. That is interesting and crazy story, but for another time.

I used to think that “being happy” was a destination that I needed to get to. I didn’t see a lot of really happy people in my family so I assumed position in the seat of life that told me I had to work for happiness.

This is so wrong.

The Tao Te Ching calls “happiness the most dangerous emotion, not in and of itself, but because of the way we behave in relation to it. We chase after it, sell our souls for it, and try to cement ourselves into its territory, no matter what else is going on in our lives. This exploitation of happiness jeopardizes us, because when we refuse to honor any emotion except happiness, our emotional landscapes become stagnant and unbalanced, which makes us chase even more furiously after happiness.”

Everything shifted for me when I began to acknowledge all of my emotions and name them.

So many people say, I’m “fine” or “unhappy” or “depressed”.  These can be lazy descriptions for our emotions and in order to feel the happiness emotions, you gotta be in touch with the all the others. If someone truly is depressed or out of touch with all of their emotions, meditation is a must for them.

Happy is not the opposite of unhappy. It’s also not the opposite of sad, fear or lack of boundaries either.

You know that horrible idea that when you lose the weight, you’ll finally be happy. Or when you get what you want of the relationship, you will finally be happy. Or you get to control things in your work or family, you will finally be happy.

It never ever works that way.

Happiness happens when you begin to let yourself feel all of your other emotions.  When you avoid feeling your emotions, that is when your energy is stuck, your cells create disease and you may begin binging on the ice cream or chocolate and wine that provides you with a temporary security blanket.

Here are a few keys to my happy:

I change myself.

Isn’t it crazy how many of us want to change… we want to change our bodies, relationships, food habits and relationships but when it comes down to it… we resist like crazy, avoid or try to run away ourselves. “They” don’t need to change, you do.  Change is good. It’s the only way the world works and you must learn to lean into the uncertainty and embrace the change. It cannot work any other way.

I work to let go of my limiting beliefs.

emotional intelligenceYou were not born with a certain set of emotional traits from your family that you are stuck with.  Emotional intelligence is a learned behavior.  I have spent the last decade of my life relearning emotional intelligence and figuring out what my limiting beliefs are so I could change them.  Otherwise, you choose to live the definition of insanity (same old shit, just another day)

“Emotional Intelligence is a learned behavior” @reneeheigel (click to tweet it)

I let go.

You choose to release attachment, as the coach within me would say. But I will tell you that the idea of detaching is tough for people to understand so let me break it down simply.  It doesn’t mean you are giving up, you stop caring or making efforts. What you are doing is you are acknowledging that you are not really in control. No, you really are not… Letting go is a state of mind and you can start right now with giving yourself permission to to be happy and let go of whatever it is that you may be carrying around like a 50 pound weight on your back.

Happiness comes and goes but it shows up more when we are on the path to wholeness. The journey to love yourself naked will happen on it’s own timetable, not the timetable you are trying to control.

One last thing about Grandma… she taught me that happiness is contagious… every time she would giggle, I would too and I wanted to be around that. It was magnetic.

Oh and to answer the question, “should you sacrifice to be happy?” You can start by sacrificing those old habits, beliefs, cynicism and skeptical behaviors.

So who are you surrounding yourself with these days?

pursuit of happiness 2

Happy to be,

Renee
PS.  Thank you to Grandma for being my angel muse and thank you to my new crush of the year, Pharrell for making this song.

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renee__jayne
I proclaim that I have had enough bullies in my li I proclaim that I have had enough bullies in my life to stand before you today a free woman who no longer bullies herself and is no longer bothered by the external bullies of the world.

Sometimes controlling, unhealthy people can show up bright and shiny at first. They will present as kind, charming and giving but like the savior you never knew you needed, they will hook you when you are at a low point looking for security or safety outside of yourself.

This “security” is an illusion. It comes from within and your highest Source, not from “this person”.

Over time and slowly they can become abusers and manipulative. You will feel on edge in your nervous system and then the gaslighting begins. It’s confusing.

You will recognize this because this person won’t question themselves or take responsibility if they make mistakes. 

They won’t ask themselves if the problem is them, they only see the problem as someone else. 

In fact they might make the other people look crazy for leaving them. 

I’ve learned a lot about myself from these people...

I’ve spent the past 20 years of my life investing in a “Doctorate of Self Worth” and recently (in 2020) receiving my “diploma” and walking across the stage 😉 
These folks have reflected back to me my own internal bully. 
Their emotional abuse has showed me all of the little ways I still was abusing myself with my negative thoughts.

The ways I was not liking myself or being a friend to myself were revealed by how I got treated by them.

They were mirrors.

Lessons have a way of repeating themselves until they are learned.

So we must learn.

No one is coming to save you!
You got your own back and you have all of the tools you need within you.

These people are powerful teachers - divinely timed.
They have reminded me how worthy I am to shine brighter and brighter.
They have shown me how I deserve great respect and to get paid for what I’m worth.
They have been enormous teachers for reminding me to speak my truth clearly and powerfully and loudly when appropriate.
Thank goodness for the lessons I’ve learned to bring me here today, sharing with you.
Thank you for the future lessons being more easy and loving and gentle. -RJ
Change is the only certainty we have. Sometimes it Change is the only certainty we have. Sometimes it’s easier to just stop resisting and putting up such a fight. Literally. It’s okay to put your sword down and relax for a moment. Even if you don’t like what you see. Take a breather. You can stop fighting. 

What if we gave ourselves permission to let go to see everything differently. 
What if we allowed, if only for a moment, to see the world, our body and life through an entirely different lens?
What if we saw from a different point of awareness?
💫 💫
✨What if we changed our relationship to consumpt ✨What if we changed our relationship to consumption?✨

For anyone who can hear this today and needs the reminder:
Even though there is an enormous amount of external chaos now in our world and systems, going inward and looking at your own personal opportunities to grow is extremely important now.
Especially now you will need more space.

Try not take take other people personally, they need space too.

When things are louder “out there” and there is so much uncertainty, it’s a cue to slow down, tune in to your internal voice and get clear on what you need right now.

Clear away all the noise so you can hear yourself.
Be in nature.
Create the quiet space you need so new habits and commitments can be developed.

It’s not that we won’t be tempted away to distraction. 
We will be, we’re human after all.

It’s not that we would ignore the external loud chatter completely or be naive to important issues that align with our values.

Instead we can be allowing the media wave to float along like a river away from you or next to you.
You don’t need to be “in it or of it”.
What if we changed our relationship to consumption?
We stopped becoming so attached to the latest sound byte... we just allow it to float along...

We focused on creating the new instead.

You are safe.
We are safe.
Stay grounded and centered in yourself in any way you can knowing that truth.
It is safe to relax into your quiet moments.

It’s time to choose to settle into your nervous system differently in the midst of the chaos.

If you need help or support, send me a DM. 

Love to all,
Renee
In order to love ourself, we must learn to LIKE ou In order to love ourself, we must learn to LIKE ourself first. We can choose to be accepting and our own best friend first. 
You don’t fall in love until you like a person first...
How are you being a friend to YOU?? 

Right now, the external chaos is going to reflect back to us how we are choosing to “like ourself” in our darkest moments and through these life experiences we are having and witnessing.

Loving ourself fully and deeply with trust and acceptance has never been more important.

In my experience, loving me is a practice every single day (sometimes every moment) and it happens when I choose to like me first.

I need to know i got a friend in me, that I will have my own back, so to speak... whether I am in bliss and joy or in pain or self sabotage. 

I realize more and more that when I’m not living my highest truth creatively, it’s more challenging to like myself. 

I believe at the end of the day, every person wants to feel that they contributed something of value and that they genuinely like themself.... ideally love themself!

Cheers to new beginnings. 

DM me a note if I can be of service on your holistic wellness and emotional mastery to Love You.
-Renee ❤️ #loveyourselfnaked
🌲 🌲 ❄️ ❄️ 🌲 🌲 ❄️ ❄️
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