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Renee Jayne

Say no and set boundaries {with love}

in Emotional & Mental Health, Health Tips, Home Page, Love Yourself, Love Yourself Naked, Renee's BLOG on 02/28/13

Renee Heigel, CHHP, AADPSo you have a hard time saying “no” huh?

You did a few things this week because you felt guilty and now you’re angry with yourself.

You complain that you get taken advantage of and people walk all over you…?

You find yourself, saying, “How can I not take that comment personally?”

Boundaries.

There was a pivotal moment for me where I began to see the emotional connection to my desires, specifically for food.

I was renting an office space on the top floor of this massive office complex for the marketing biz I was running at the time. There was a little restaurant, downstairs on the first floor. I often bought my lunch there and ate way too many spinach pies.

One morning when arriving to the office, I parked and just sat in my car. I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I was feeling sad, unmotivated and stressed. I didn’t feel like I had any time for me and that people around me always wanted more, more, more. All of the thoughts in my head were shifted to “what was going wrong in my life”.

When I gained some composure, I went inside and started the day with some interviews to add some people to the team I had. When I finished and came out of one of the offices, I learned that someone had come in and stolen my laptop.

I felt like I got kicked while I was down.

I immediately went downstairs and bought candy, chips, cookies, and anything else I could find.

I slowly walked back up the flights of stairs with my items and sat down at my desk and began to eat, and it was in that moment that I learned what I was really doing with this “food”. I noticed a pattern. As I dove deeper into my salt and vinegar chips, I began to feel disgusted.

I made a spontaneous choice and threw away everything.

When I think back to that time in my life, especially as a woman, I felt driven, burned out, controlling and uber-ambitious and determined. I didn’t say no, even when I wanted to. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I was also frustrated because I wasn’t getting the results I wanted despite my hard work.

I know now that at the time, I had a very masculine energy.

Yin/Yang.

Yang/Masculine — outward, focused, driven, productive

Yin/Feminine — inward, open, receiving, creative

We are all created to have a little of both feminine and masculine energy regardless of our gender.

For me, my masculine energy was shining a little too bright.

I needed so badly to feel safe. I grew up not trusting anyone.

When I was focused, driven, productive, and exerting my energy outward, I felt safe.

I traded my femininity in for safety.

There are millions of women who are doing this around the world right now.

To feel this sense of safety, we often dive head-first into our masculine selves. I’ve given it a name today for you, but I’m convinced the majority of you reading this blog didn’t realize your actions were “masculine”.

Ladies, this doesn’t make you a man.

A masculine man is born to lead, solve, guide, and direct.  It’s instinctual.

A women who is feminine also nurtures more. She is internal, giving, and free (she tends to live more with her heart versus her head). She is vulnerable and open to love.

(reminder that both men and women possess all of these traits at different times)

A woman can be feminine AND also be strong, confident, and hold her own.

A man can be masculine AND vulnerable and open.

**********************

In order to compensate for this masculine part of myself that was shining a little too bright, I buried myself in work and food. I shopped. I smoked. I ate lots of chocolate to try to balance it all out.

At the time, I didn’t know this whole masculine-feminine stuff. I just knew that this pattern of eating crap when I felt l like crap wasn’t working anymore.

Everything is energy, and when we are not prioritizing our energy, then that energy needs to go somewhere.

We end up internalizing it, and then it comes out in various ways: food, sugar, alcohol, relationships, shopping, work, drugs, and caffeine – you get the picture.

You relate to this, right?

You might already know that the extra weight you carry is symbolic of the safety you desire.

The amount you might immerse yourself in the tub of ice cream, relationships that are unhealthy or dependent, or your workaholic ways are often a reflection of seeking safety in something outside of you.

Your body reflects your ego.

Are you ready to let go of this?

Yes?

Toxic.

I was sitting in court this week fighting a traffic ticket (yes, I walked away with no points) and I overheard this woman next to me sharing with someone that she spent $2,500 on this curio cabinet to hold the 100+ ‘Precious Moment’ knick-knacks given to her that she absolutely loathes.

She said, “I hate those damn things, I spent thousands on something just to store crap in my home that I don’t even like. I felt like I had to…”

Sound familiar?

Self-sacrifice leads to resentment, guilt, anger, obligation and more emotions. These are the biggest internal factors that destroy our health.

These are called internal toxins.

So many of us are in this cycle of over-achieving, controlling, and doing, and then building up a toxic overload because of it, and then going home to numb it all out with a glass of red wine and bowl of popcorn.

That’s not going to work for you and it didn’t work for me.

When in this self-sacrificing place, not only will you attract unhealthy relationships with needy, dependent people, but you will also continue the cycle and halt your capacity to learn from your experiences.

There is hope, please don’t fear.

It’s time to build up some more boundaries, internally.

You must figure out how much the situation is about you versus the other person, and then specifically learn to stand up for yourself.

I hear this often from my clients and readers…

I don’t want to make any waves.

I don’t like confrontation.

It isn’t my personality to say how I feel.

You were likely not taught how to create boundaries as a child if this sounds like you.

You are likely used to feeling guilt and dishing it out on occasion, and you must face the guilt directly.

How, you ask?

You must make yourself a priority.

“Good self-care is the single, most important aspect of our health, period.”

~ Dr. Christiane Northrop

Self-care includes not using food, work, substances, shopping, etc. to numb you. Please learn where you are channeling this extra masculine-feminine energy and channel it into self-love instead.

Self-care includes exploring practices of spirituality or awareness that allow you to feel safe without external stuff.

Self-care means learning the power of saying “no” and telling people your priorities are different right now.  Saying “no” to someone else is really saying “yes” to yourself.  This takes practice. Start now.

Self-care means seeking support from people who will help you put yourself on your priority list versus people who are enabling you because they have the same “boundary” stuff going on.

Take action.

Most of our energy is often spent hiding our true self.

Know that it may be time for you to establish stronger boundaries in your life that support you and allow you to evolve as a human being.

You must determine how much is about you and how much of it is about the other person.

Ask for help.

Learn to stand up for yourself. Practice, practice. A mirror works great at first.

Self care and creating boundaries is your responsibility.

It doesn’t matter what you learned as a child. Your adult self will flourish with boundaries and self-care.

These internal toxins are destroying your health and I have a strong belief that you can heal them by letting them go.

Delight in yourself today by saying no to someone else.

I want to remind you of something:

Yes, you’ll feel guilty at first.

Yes, it will feel uncomfortable.

But here is the truth…

You will not be able to give the gifts that you are meant to give in this lifetime while you are feeling guilty, without any internal boundaries.

When you numb the guilt you are also numbing the joy.

I am here with you holding your hand along the way.

It’s time to step into your naked truth.

This is pivotal path in that journey.

Deep gratitude and love,

Renee

xo 

PS. We have men and women who rock and are experiencing the 18 Day Love Yourself Naked® Challenge right now. They are inspiring me deeply. Sound like something you want in your life?

Details are here.

 

 

 

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There is a mother within every one of us that has There is a mother within every one of us that has our back. Within you is a nurturing love that you can lean into and give yourself, as well as others. No matter your gender or if you’re a parent, you have the strength of the mother that gives birth to new worlds.

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And remember that you are #strongasamother 💥🔥💃🏼❤️🌹🗣
I see you! How are you doing right now? I’m need I see you! How are you doing right now? I’m needing more rest these days to show up in bigger ways! Hey... that rhymed! Fortunately, rest helps me write a lot and create more. It got me thinking... 
What if we did something new, that we’ve never done before, every single day?
It could be as simple as drinking more water or calling a friend or walking outside or making a video...?
One change every day will change your whole game. I will continue to keep you posted on my experience, it is working wonderfully over here so far 😉
Humanity is not cancelled out. I’m sure of one Humanity is not cancelled out.

I’m sure of one thing now and that is change. 
Uncertain change is to be expected. 
I am not in control. 
You are not either.

As I observe the vast and sometimes terrifying range of humanity on full display right now, I feel so tempted to try to grasp for some semblance of control.

I used to have this overwhelming fear of owning my power and also of other people misusing their power over me.

This fear resulted in me trying to remain in  control.

This was a deeply embedded root within me, that I was so unaware was planted at the time. 
I learned of it because I kept living through examples where I was giving my power away. 

I was losing myself in things, people or grandiose story lines (both true and false).

I was under an illusion of control. I was not at all at the steering wheel of my own life.

I wouldn’t express myself clearly.
I was looking for safety and security and “love” in all the wrong places.
I was attracting relationships from a fear of wanting to be liked, validated or accepted.

I did not know how to source my own core sense of safety and trust myself.
I did not have self authority or sovereignty from within.
I did not know how to love myself.

I was addicted to bullying and criticism and shaming of myself. It is where I went to any chance I got... I would storm in on myself with rage and anger.

This suppressed rage ultimately looked like addictive behavior for me... mostly with work, food, people, situations, substances or anything that helped give me a false illusion of momentary control.

This unhealthy place was the most vulnerable, painful place to be in for me because I had to take self responsibility.

I didn’t like what I saw going on “out there” and it was disruptive to my life and others lives and I had no real power to change much without facing myself.

I had to look in the mirror!
It is a choice we can look in at anytime.
What can I learn from this?

Humanity is holding up a mirror to us as individuals now.

Continued below in comments or see FB link in my bio @renee__jayne for Full Post
I'm outta here! If you need me, I will be in the m I'm outta here! If you need me, I will be in the mountains unplugging, loving, resting, recharging and rejuvenating. I will see you in the New Year FB family. Below is something I want to share with you for now. ❤
*********
^^^^^^^^^
Thank you for being in my world, I am so unbelievably grateful to be in yours.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy New Year, Happy Life!

2020 sure has put things into perspective and directly impacted the very primal and core wounds within us that needed security and to feel safe.

No doubt it tested you in ways you never saw coming.

You were likely forced to face some of your deepest fears this year that eventually invited you to live in uncertainty.

For some, many wonderful experiences also occurred in unexpected ways.

Although, not always pleasant, 2020 was a very powerful spiritual teaching year.

I have often said to my clients over the years, "in my experience, this (emotional, mental, spiritual and physical) healing work is no joke, it's not always easy and light. It's deep shit at times and the hardest work you'll ever do while also being the most rewarding!".

We were forced into it and because of that, I have seen people rise up and open up in ways that are miraculous.

As we go into this new year, I invite you to sit with the miraculous human that is YOU.

On this day, I want to give you full on permission (although you don't even need it from me) to be human.

What this means is that you have permission to honor the human within you that has made mistakes.

You can also honor the human within you that has witnessed miracles or tiny shifts in perception that have created change in your life.

You can show up exactly as you are, flawed or in your most beautiful form.

You can be free.

As a culture that has been divorced from our bodies and biological needs for so long, we have been at war within ourselves.

Now, moving forward from this year, it has invited us to connect with our humanity in a different way while stepping into our highest self and intuition.

In order to trust ourself and that innate intuition we must master our physical connection to this body that we have been given.

Continued 👇
I’m continuing my commitment to creating and bu I’m continuing my
commitment
to creating 
and building 
a space 
for people 
to shift 
energetically and physically 
and 
love themselves.
I’m 
practicing 
loving me 
along the way 
too.
What 
are you 
up to?
What are your dreams for this next chapter?
Share below and claim it.
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