So you have a hard time saying “no” huh?
You did a few things this week because you felt guilty and now you’re angry with yourself.
You complain that you get taken advantage of and people walk all over you…?
You find yourself, saying, “How can I not take that comment personally?”
Boundaries.
There was a pivotal moment for me where I began to see the emotional connection to my desires, specifically for food.
I was renting an office space on the top floor of this massive office complex for the marketing biz I was running at the time. There was a little restaurant, downstairs on the first floor. I often bought my lunch there and ate way too many spinach pies.
One morning when arriving to the office, I parked and just sat in my car. I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I was feeling sad, unmotivated and stressed. I didn’t feel like I had any time for me and that people around me always wanted more, more, more. All of the thoughts in my head were shifted to “what was going wrong in my life”.
When I gained some composure, I went inside and started the day with some interviews to add some people to the team I had. When I finished and came out of one of the offices, I learned that someone had come in and stolen my laptop.
I felt like I got kicked while I was down.
I immediately went downstairs and bought candy, chips, cookies, and anything else I could find.
I slowly walked back up the flights of stairs with my items and sat down at my desk and began to eat, and it was in that moment that I learned what I was really doing with this “food”. I noticed a pattern. As I dove deeper into my salt and vinegar chips, I began to feel disgusted.
I made a spontaneous choice and threw away everything.
When I think back to that time in my life, especially as a woman, I felt driven, burned out, controlling and uber-ambitious and determined. I didn’t say no, even when I wanted to. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I was also frustrated because I wasn’t getting the results I wanted despite my hard work.
I know now that at the time, I had a very masculine energy.
Yin/Yang.
Yang/Masculine — outward, focused, driven, productive
Yin/Feminine — inward, open, receiving, creative
We are all created to have a little of both feminine and masculine energy regardless of our gender.
For me, my masculine energy was shining a little too bright.
I needed so badly to feel safe. I grew up not trusting anyone.
When I was focused, driven, productive, and exerting my energy outward, I felt safe.
I traded my femininity in for safety.
There are millions of women who are doing this around the world right now.
To feel this sense of safety, we often dive head-first into our masculine selves. I’ve given it a name today for you, but I’m convinced the majority of you reading this blog didn’t realize your actions were “masculine”.
Ladies, this doesn’t make you a man.
A masculine man is born to lead, solve, guide, and direct. It’s instinctual.
A women who is feminine also nurtures more. She is internal, giving, and free (she tends to live more with her heart versus her head). She is vulnerable and open to love.
(reminder that both men and women possess all of these traits at different times)
A woman can be feminine AND also be strong, confident, and hold her own.
A man can be masculine AND vulnerable and open.
**********************
In order to compensate for this masculine part of myself that was shining a little too bright, I buried myself in work and food. I shopped. I smoked. I ate lots of chocolate to try to balance it all out.
At the time, I didn’t know this whole masculine-feminine stuff. I just knew that this pattern of eating crap when I felt l like crap wasn’t working anymore.
Everything is energy, and when we are not prioritizing our energy, then that energy needs to go somewhere.
We end up internalizing it, and then it comes out in various ways: food, sugar, alcohol, relationships, shopping, work, drugs, and caffeine – you get the picture.
You relate to this, right?
You might already know that the extra weight you carry is symbolic of the safety you desire.
The amount you might immerse yourself in the tub of ice cream, relationships that are unhealthy or dependent, or your workaholic ways are often a reflection of seeking safety in something outside of you.
Your body reflects your ego.
Are you ready to let go of this?
Yes?
Toxic.
I was sitting in court this week fighting a traffic ticket (yes, I walked away with no points) and I overheard this woman next to me sharing with someone that she spent $2,500 on this curio cabinet to hold the 100+ ‘Precious Moment’ knick-knacks given to her that she absolutely loathes.
She said, “I hate those damn things, I spent thousands on something just to store crap in my home that I don’t even like. I felt like I had to…”
Sound familiar?
Self-sacrifice leads to resentment, guilt, anger, obligation and more emotions. These are the biggest internal factors that destroy our health.
These are called internal toxins.
So many of us are in this cycle of over-achieving, controlling, and doing, and then building up a toxic overload because of it, and then going home to numb it all out with a glass of red wine and bowl of popcorn.
That’s not going to work for you and it didn’t work for me.
When in this self-sacrificing place, not only will you attract unhealthy relationships with needy, dependent people, but you will also continue the cycle and halt your capacity to learn from your experiences.
There is hope, please don’t fear.
It’s time to build up some more boundaries, internally.
You must figure out how much the situation is about you versus the other person, and then specifically learn to stand up for yourself.
I hear this often from my clients and readers…
I don’t want to make any waves.
I don’t like confrontation.
It isn’t my personality to say how I feel.
You were likely not taught how to create boundaries as a child if this sounds like you.
You are likely used to feeling guilt and dishing it out on occasion, and you must face the guilt directly.
How, you ask?
You must make yourself a priority.
“Good self-care is the single, most important aspect of our health, period.”
~ Dr. Christiane Northrop
Self-care includes not using food, work, substances, shopping, etc. to numb you. Please learn where you are channeling this extra masculine-feminine energy and channel it into self-love instead.
Self-care includes exploring practices of spirituality or awareness that allow you to feel safe without external stuff.
Self-care means learning the power of saying “no” and telling people your priorities are different right now. Saying “no” to someone else is really saying “yes” to yourself. This takes practice. Start now.
Self-care means seeking support from people who will help you put yourself on your priority list versus people who are enabling you because they have the same “boundary” stuff going on.
Take action.
Most of our energy is often spent hiding our true self.
Know that it may be time for you to establish stronger boundaries in your life that support you and allow you to evolve as a human being.
You must determine how much is about you and how much of it is about the other person.
Ask for help.
Learn to stand up for yourself. Practice, practice. A mirror works great at first.
Self care and creating boundaries is your responsibility.
It doesn’t matter what you learned as a child. Your adult self will flourish with boundaries and self-care.
These internal toxins are destroying your health and I have a strong belief that you can heal them by letting them go.
Delight in yourself today by saying no to someone else.
I want to remind you of something:
Yes, you’ll feel guilty at first.
Yes, it will feel uncomfortable.
But here is the truth…
You will not be able to give the gifts that you are meant to give in this lifetime while you are feeling guilty, without any internal boundaries.
When you numb the guilt you are also numbing the joy.
I am here with you holding your hand along the way.
It’s time to step into your naked truth.
This is pivotal path in that journey.
Deep gratitude and love,
Renee
xo
PS. We have men and women who rock and are experiencing the 18 Day Love Yourself Naked® Challenge right now. They are inspiring me deeply. Sound like something you want in your life?
Details are here.
