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Renee Jayne

Why are you not perfect at this yet…?

in Emotional & Mental Health, Love Yourself, Love Yourself Naked, Renee's BLOG, The Avant-Garde Relationship on 10/17/13

Renee HeigelI have lived most of my life wearing around a perfectionist pin on my heart. I would boast with my head held high… “yes, I’m Renee and I’m a perfectionist”. Not only was it socially acceptable within culture (and sometimes still is) but it became a belief that was so ingrained within me that I shared it with pride.

What it did instead was hide a deep shame and judgement… Can you relate to being a perfectionist? I have 4 major revelations to help you and an awesome video below… This one might hit home.

When I was in college, I started out as an art major before switching to marketing. My perfectionism showed up in my art and school work then… I was at the kitchen table with my artwork laid out all over the place… working all night… losing sleep to complete art projects or papers.

You might do this too. You stay up too late, you have no clear boundaries for yourself. The boundary topic is a big one but that’s for a future blog. You put things off because it isn’t perfect or whenever you do something, it is never good enough.

I see it also with many of my clients. It shows up when they have unrealistic standards and boundaries and they have no idea how to set healthy ones. They take on too much or aim way too high.

It might be standards about your clean refrigerator, your body, your work or spiritual practice. And then you see it show up within your relationships or your parenting and then it takes over your life.

I finally woke up from the nightmare!  Oh and let’s be clear… I’m still waking up. I’m in what I will call perfectionist recovery.

You know what I was doing?

I was so afraid of making a mistake because I learned somewhere in life that making a mistake meant failure. So I began creating situations where I would not make mistakes.

As a parent now, I can see so clearly that when my son makes mistakes, it is his biggest opportunity. It is allowing him to learn and grow. Mistakes are his best teachers. The same goes for us.

I also noticed that I would put stuff off… it was never perfect enough and then when I finally did complete it, I didn’t know how to be proud. I still felt like it was mediocre. When I looked, all I could see were the flaws.

The lies I was telling myself were:  “I have control over how people feel about me” and “if i’m perfect, no one can reject me”

I recall when I first hired a life coaching at the age of 21, one of my coaches taught me about the word, “should”.

At the time, I was the queen of to do lists and that got better and then worse before I finally broke the habit… I noticed this about a year back when I moved to a new home. I had so much paperwork in files to recycle and you know what… most of those papers were LISTS. Scrap pieces of paper… everywhere!

This created an endless list of “shoulds”… or rather, things I thought I had to complete in order to be happy and feel good.

I learned in coaching this phrase, “Stop shoulding on yourself…” Yep, it sounds like “stop shitting on yourself”.

Because when you should, you are forgetting about your desires and instead controlling and hiding.

I began to see that my perfectionism was really about my thoughts and behaviors.

I saw that I was seeking happiness and worth based on a piece of paper with a bunch of lists on it or a perfect piece of art or an immaculate house in preparation for a large party or the perfect dress for the perfect occasion.

I didn’t know it then, but I know it now…

I saw that my self worth was equated with my accomplishments and achievements and outward appearance.

The problem was not only my thoughts and beliefs but it was also the culture I had immersed myself in… I was an entrepreneur at a young age. Huge gratitude, by the way for that. Best decision ever, but with that also came this mentality that I had a standard to live up to and I had to do everything to reach it.

There is a big difference between striving and perfectionism. The gap in between the two was why I was suffering.

I started to see that this perfect project, house, body and business wasn’t fully authentic. That I was working so hard to maintain these things and basically hurting my health emotionally and physically to do it.

I felt so inauthentic and you know what… that is around the time when I created my first Love Yourself Naked program… it wasn’t for you (no offense). It was for me! I realized that I needed to learn how to be authentic and that authenticity wasn’t something I was born with, that I could create it by making different choices.

I stopped being fake and as I type that, it’s hard to admit because at the time, I didn’t feel fake. I didn’t feel perfect either.  When I look back, I think I was fearful and the perfectionism was my way of hiding the fear. I was hoping it would take the fear away.

Brené Brown says, “Perfectionism is not about healthy striving, it is a cognitive behavior process that says this… when I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, I can avoid and minimize shame, blame and judgement”

While Oprah was interviewing Brené, she responded with, “Perfectionism is the ultimate fear. That the person walking around with so much perfectionism is ultimately afraid that the world is going to see them for who they really are and they won’t measure up”

As I  began to choose authenticity I began to notice the people around me who were not choosing it. It was extremely hard because I had to let go of relationships in order to serve my growth in this area.

Here are 4 steps that have helped me tremendously on my journey to be a recovering perfectionist.

1. Self Compassion. I have empathy for myself, I embrace mistakes as my biggest gifts and if I goof up… I love me so hard because I deserve it.

2. I let you see me.  I choose vulnerability and honesty moment to moment. Nope… not perfect at it and I don’t want to be. Every day, I make a choice to let the people around me, see me. I think… what’s the worst thing that can happen? You know what happens on average, those people feel like they can open up and do the same.

3. I learn from my mistakes. Here is an important distinction: I enjoy the process of that self evaluation and sometimes that is really hard to do. I write about what I’ve learned and most importantly what I desire more of instead.

4. I set realistic goals. These days I set goals that I feel great about but I must confess, I have a great team of coaches and peers surrounding me that keep me in check on this one… I find that I’m still thinking unrealistically at times. The best part, however, is when I don’t accomplish it all, I am no longer defined by it.

I would love to hear from you so please share below in the comments… your perfectionist moments and what you’ve learned from them.

I love hearing from you.  xo

Renee

PS. Really juicy topic on the blog next week… keep your eyes peeled! By the way, if you’re interested in that Brené Brown and Oprah chat on perfectionism it’s 4 minutes and worth oh so worth it.

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renee__jayne

renee__jayne
Good morning ☀️ Good morning ☀️
When I look back on my life and consider the relat When I look back on my life and consider the relationships I attracted back then (that happened to be the most toxic or trauma bonded) it was for two big reasons.

1) unconscious seeking for security in things/people/sources outside of me.

Old Belief: “Once I have this, I will be safe. I will feel secure, everything will be okay”

Our security and safety come mostly from within. Certainly, more money or the next “magic pill” or quick fix or relationship can inspire some security, for a while...

It will not last or it will feel like a toxic relationship for as long as we are not Sourced in security and grounded within ourself. 

Note: we often need to look at the “bully’s, emotional abusive or passive aggressive relationships to see this. 
This could be with others or with yourself! Yes, you can “bully” yourself.

2) using things outside of me to cope due to dysregulated nervous system. (This is often not conscious to us at first)

Old belief: “once I have this it will help me “feel better”

These coping mechanisms work for a short while, until they do not anymore. 

(Food, the next “diet or workout plan”, the next shopping spree or purchase, drugs, alcohol, work, relationship, pharmaceuticals, etc)

We won’t be able to hold these things with any balance with a nervous system and emotional system that is dysregulated. 

Your nervous system is a complex network of neurons...
Basically, it’s the control center of your body!

All of your muscles, glands, sensations, smells, hearing, taste, touch, higher self are telling your body what to do.

Your nervous system is interpreting your body’s responses constantly.

We use things outside of us to try and regulate when we feel “out of balance” and sometimes those things just don’t serve us.

The crazy thing is: we will think the solution is in this “thing we need to have ASAP” and the solution we seek actually has nothing to do with “the thing”.

We’ve been taught the wrong way. 
Answers to things rarely come from outside of us.

Many of us were not taught about our nervous system and how it’s impacted by childhood trauma and how it’s the core reason we create a lot of the situations we are in (good or bad).
👇🏽👇🏽
Fantastic question....? Because big profits do no Fantastic question....?

Because big profits do not historically come from healthy people (when it comes to selling the anecdotes to their pain, anyway)

Because healthy people aren’t as easy to manipulate.

Because individuals with strong immune systems need less pharmaceuticals. This impacts Big Pharma’s profits and entire way of business.

Because mandating (I actually don’t like that word, but it works here) ... mandating vitamins and minerals would empower health and individual choice to choose health for one self.  Large corporations selling big pharmaceuticals, large amounts of sugar, fast food and factory and processed foods do not want empowered people because they are harder to sell to.
And big government structures that are run by unethical people can manipulate people who are vitamin deficient, because they get sicker more quickly.
What if your desire to get the lasting results you What if your desire to get the lasting results you’ve always wanted with your life (food, body, relationships, financial) was not about giving more attention to these things? 

What if your attention to the boring nothingness of life began to outweigh the attention you give to all the things you want right now?

Sounds silly, right?! 
Maybe backwards from what we've been taught culturally. 

We were taught to break free from life-long patterns of discontent by consuming information outside of us: learning, doing, pushing, striving.

And yet, it's not working so well, right?  At least not long-term. 

There is a place for education outside of us, yes, however, it doesn't do much for a nervous system that cannot hold the complexity of how we want to grow and evolve within that education and new wisdom.

People are trying to learn to "be still" and calm down their anxiety and maybe even meditate but their bodies cannot hold it yet. 
They struggle! 

So when your physical body and nervous system regulates...
 
Your whole game is changed as you learn to be with yourself. 
To be in your body, with your emotions and nervous system differently than you ever have before. 

Then your system can hold the capacity for the change you have always wanted. 

Make sense?

Love,
Renee 

PS. If I can help you with this radical shift in your life and you're interested in learning about The Somatic Freedom System that I created, send me a DM.
YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS IS MASSIVE AND YOU CAN DREAM NE YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS IS MASSIVE AND YOU CAN DREAM NEW DREAMS FOR NOT ONLY YOU, BUT FOR ALL OF HUMANITY. IMAGINE A RESPECTFUL, WIN-WIN SITUATION. CO-CREATE WITH YOUR TRIBE THE WORLD YOU DESIRE 💖
Rebirth, Adventure and Relationship 😉 Happy Ea Rebirth, Adventure and Relationship 😉

Happy Easter and Passover to all who celebrate. 
Also, important... HAPPY 4-4 BIRTHDAY to this wonderful man. 
(I know, I’m posting a day late)

After taking a purposeful and committed 2 years off of dating and romantic relationships, I opened myself up to dating last year (a 2020 version of it, 😉 ). 

During that time, a friend reached out to me and asked if he could give my phone number to a single friend of his.
I said yes. 
After a while, it felt strange to date others, so I stopped. 

Now, 7 months later and I don’t want to hide now 😉 

Meet Matt. ❤️ We are extremely compatible in all the ways and have so much fun together. Our purposes feel aligned and so does our relationship. So now you know ✨
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