I’ve never shared this before.
Crooked face, lazy eye, cranial nerve damage, digestion.
It’s 2013. Laying on the couch. Bad concussion. Stitches in my face. Feeling guilty for not show up to deliver my work or give my clients the same type of service.
I question myself: Am I self-sabotaging just when things are going so well?
What is the lesson in this?
This same day, I find out my dear friend died of cancer too. I feel broken.
Then, the question popped in: How many times do I have to be hit in the head to wake the hell up?
My friend’s death and spirit remind me not to stay a victim, for this life is short.It’s not my first concussion or head trauma.
I’ve walked into poles, walls and had slips and falls for as long as I can remember.
There were car accidents. I tripped on curbs. I’ve been saved countless times from stepping into traffic. I fell downstairs more times than I can count on my hands.
It became a comedic joke amongst friends and family.Inside, I felt embarrassed and concerned.
I wondering what was causing these weird issues. I blamed myself. I judged. I worried.
This hit in the head, though, on this day, broke me wide open from the heartbreak and loss combined with deep emotional pain.
I had to face my lack of alignment, addiction to work, lack of integrity, and ability to have my own back.
I didn’t know that I had some deep grieving to do that would walk me down a path to face my shadow self.
The night before the accident, I spent the whole evening staying up to wee hours and barely sleeping. I was writing scripts for a class that I was about to deliver.
I was exhausted with adrenal fatigue. Burning the candle at both ends and not connected to myself or god.
Unknown trauma was running my life and I had no idea, but I was about to…
That morning, I showed up at the recording studio that I was paying for.
The whole film crew was there and I handed over my flash drive with scripts for the teleprompter.
In my arms, I held a stack of “rent-the-runway” dresses so I could change between my videos.
We did a lighting check before I changed to be camera-ready and that would change everything…
The cameraman tripped, stumbling over the tall, heavy, metal light that he mistakenly failed to weigh down with sandbags.
That light smacked me, full force in the face.
I thank god that it wasn’t turned on and hot or I would be burned right now typing this to you.
I fell to the floor and passed out momentarily.
The left side of my forehead blew up to a super large golf ball and I was bleeding from the face all over.
The camera guy and crew were in shock and scared and they didn’t know what to do. They just stood there looking at me, in shock. Everything was slow motion and I remember knowing I had to lead them on what to do to help me.
They felt so incapable and unsafe, I got up, washed up my face, applied bandages, and decided to leave.
I should not have been driving and not, they should not have let me leave.
I realized this within a few minutes of driving but then committed to driving myself to the hospital. The anger I felt for that man was off the charts.
The shame I felt for myself for staying up so late, the night before, matched that anger. I blamed myself. I blamed him. I was forced to face my victim and take responsibility.
It was the beginning of my learning on how to take my power back in any relationship where people didn’t have my best interests in mind.
I had few healthy boundaries at this time and it was apparent that I needed to evolve and grow.
Then, it lead me down a path of healing and discovery that I never expected!
That left side “lazy eye” of mine felt so tired and painful often…
That ever so slightly crooked and drooping of my smile on the left…Those left side issues with my shoulder.
These were all rooted in: Cranial nerve damage.
A lovely doctor showed me how that nerve damage was impacting my sensitivity to sound, my digestive system and my eyesight and so much more.
She said to me, “Renee, you are a highly sensitive person”.
“You feel everything, magnified”
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
I wondered, did the cranial nerve damage happen first and caused me to get bumped and fall?
Or did something else impact my nerves and brain first?
My holistic nutrition background and intuition combined have guided me to see it was at least partially caused by an overabundance of heavy metals in my body since I was young. This actually set me free!
All those years of avoiding videos because I was afraid of my left eye and mouth drooping down and I now felt empowered by it. I knew part of me to love.
I realized some things:
A lot of the sabotaging choices that I made were because I was having a hard time dealing because I sensitive to shit, not because I wasn’t capable or I lacked intelligence.
There are tools, practices, and systems that make things so much more in flow and focused that I have learned (and continue to do so)
The healing gut-brain connection combined with emotional intelligence and mastery are tools for focus, productivity, and high-performance leadership and flow.
I feel so empowered by this because it’s empowered me to lead more vulnerably turning my messes and fears into my service and superpower.
It’s allowed me to help so many others see their own trauma and find recovery.
I believe that most humans are highly sensitive and full of way too many heavy metals and I believe there is a spectrum that we all fall on. Some feeling more of our 6+ senses than others.
I notice so many others with the left side (sometimes right side) drooping and I know they are a little bit like me.
I help High Sensitive People feel empowered to take their power back with their health, self-love, and self-leadership so they can lead others even more effectively.
This is not a “condition” to be fixed or changed. It’s a physical condition from the reality of our environment, lifestyle, and choices. Autoimmune is connected. There is so much here to unpack, but this is already long enough.
We also have an emotional and spiritual self that is capable of so much more than we can ever imagine.
Sending a slightly, sly and sideways grin your way and a lot of love.
Remember your sovereignty and be discerning on what you allow into your powerful body.
PS. I’m coaching a small group of individuals in an intimate FB group for 10 Days in July. It’s called EMPower You: Take Your Power Back In Your Life, Health and Relationships. We focus on Emotional Mastery, Nervous system somatic practices, Breathwork and you’ll get me for 10 days in your life holding space for your highest evolution. I’m offering some cool bonuses for the first handful that register. We meet in mid-July, everything is recorded. If this 10 days or my 5-month group feel aligned for you, click here to register. *If you want to be in the 5-month group afterward, we’ll deduct the investment of the 10-day masterclass.
Photo: My man and I. His presence is like a mountain for me to share my truth and heart even more and I’m so thankful.
**One last thing and special note: left side mouth droop is sometimes connected to autism and right side mouth droop is sometimes connected with Asperger’s. I have not been tested for autism and likely won’t. I believe that the spectrum is vast and that the large majority fall upon it.