I DIDN’T WANT TO BE A MOM
… the Universe had other plans for me.
I didn’t grow up playing with my dolls the way I saw other people play. I didn’t babysit. In fact, I didn’t much like kids before the age of 17 or 18.
I eventually found this more tender part of me.
Back then, I didn’t cry at all. I was harder, rigid and closed off, only letting you see what I wanted to show you.
I was rebellious and have so many stories that would shock and awe you that have weaved my life.
Mothering seemed to be far from my goals until I noticed myself staring at mothers and babies everywhere I went.
Trying to see if I could identify in this role, step into this responsibility, this unknown and uncertainty thing.
I felt it called me in and I was kicking and screaming and avoiding.
Then I lost my period for over a year. Story for another time, but it began a whole fertility healing journey through acupuncture that I realize I don’t share much about. Another time…
Last night my son asked me about the first time I was pregnant.
I had a miscarriage first.
It was this experience that made me decide to be a mother.
My son wanted to understand what that meant.
He also asked if I had any other babies he didn’t know about…!!!!
This makes me laugh out loud just writing this.
I love getting to be in his life and mother him and know him.
I’m reminded every day how much I also get to mother me and how much that requires sometimes!
I was thinking today, about this idea that I had of “not wanting to be a mother”.
I was also thinking about how my most important job is to MOTHER ME so that I can consciously SHOW UP to mother him and ALL THE OTHERS I hold space for.
I try not to deeply identify with anything (it’s a daily practice…) and for this moment I’m going to own my inner MOTHER.
She’s a Bad Mother… 😜
Loving Mother.
A Mother who is growing herself so she can help grow others.
Thanks for reading my musings (if you are still with me, I appreciate you tuning in).
Whoever you are… identifed as more masculine or feminine, we all have our own INNER MOTHER to get to know.
It’s a LIFE LONG Committed Relationship.
Know her.
Let her mother you.
Receive that care and affection.
You see, if we don’t do this work.. this is called Self Parenting, we will seek “the mother” energy in everything we can find outside of us.
Looking in ice cream containers, unhealthy relationship patterns, over spending, dead end decision, fantasy thinking, addictions or distraction with technology.
We seek anything outside that distracts from this important thing…
Self Compassion and Self Acceptance
Finding your Inner Mama Bear, Wolf Woman, Mrs Doubtfire, Compassionate Queen.
Who is she?
This leads to love.
This leads you back to YOU.
By finding your “inner mama” you don’t make yourself sick finding “her” in all the wrong places.
I help people love themselves more and guide them to stop abandoning.
I can be of service to your health and healing if or when you are curiously ready, contact me here or here.
My group program registration is now open and I currently have 2 openings for Private Clients.
PS. We’ll talk about dad another time