ALONE. October 2012. Day 3 of my conference and 1 month post divorce.
Hurricane Sandy is approaching Manhattan.
The apartment I’m renting for a few days, from a friend, is downtown near Wall Street. I’m informed that I’m in the evacuation zone and I need to leave.
My flight is cancelled for tomorrow and I need to find a place to stay.
I’m literally on one of the last taxi rides out of downtown, traveling to midtown. I have the heaviest freak’n suitcases imaginable. I’m angry with myself for this choice as I am pulling it down NYC city streets during a hurricane. The irony is thick.
I get rejected four times while trying to find places to stay. People are sweet and scared. They share that their space is already full or they are trying to leave the city.
I find a friend who offers her couch and I feel so grateful for her and her roommate. I have no idea how I’m getting home to my son and where I’m staying the following night.
To say I’m vulnerable in this moment is an understatement.
The next day I find an inn {a hostel where you share a bathroom with the entire floor}. I chose it because it was a safe spot near union square and it was $139 a night. I walk a block to the only open store. I buy water. I buy some food. I buy candles. The wind blows me into the buildings as I walk back to my room.
Eventually the power is out. It’s 8pm. I’m completely alone in a hostel and I am thinking “how in the hell did I get here?”
I’m silent. I’m out of my comfort zone. I’m vulnerable. I’m scared. I’m convinced this place is haunted.
In my darkness, I am alone.
I was forced to be honest. I started to cry. I talked to the Universe. I screamed at God. I decided I needed to meditate. I punched the bed. Then I decided I needed to eat..
I ate almost all of my food. The idea of rationing was forgotten. I would have died on the deserted island if that had been the reality. (I ended up being stranded for another 4 days in NYC).
I ate my food fast and I knew I was eating for comfort. I wasn’t even hungry. I was avoiding being alone. I was avoiding the pain of having to look. at. myself. I thought the food would comfort me. I thought it would take away my feelings.
I thought it would fill the whole deep inside that was yearning to be filled.
Now the food was gone. I couldn’t see my book with candlelight anymore, it was too dark. I was forced to sit and be alone with me. I needed to see myself.
I comforted myself. I loved myself.
Then I got distracted. I hear all the families in the rooms around me. No one is speaking english. Somehow that was more soothing because I didn’t understand what they were saying. At least they have each other. At least I had them.
I began to meditate again. The wind was very strong. It kept interrupting my state. Jarring my nervous system with jolts of power.
The contrast that I am alone and I am never alone dawns on me. I begin to weep.
I am proud of myself for finding safe shelter in this storm.
I see the metaphor of this hurricane to my recent divorce. I weep some more.
I decide I need to stop surviving and start thriving.
I finally surrender to the loudness of the storm against our building. I allow it to rock me to sleep. I wake up in a wet puddle of tears on my pillow.
I plan my feet on the ground.
In my lightness, I am alone. I am safe.
Renee
#day31 #100creationsofselflove #100dayproject
I heard this woman speak last weekend. She described a regular state of anger and shame that she felt for herself. She was raw and honest. Sometimes when we feel our worst, the last thing we want is “Happy”. In fact, when I was in my low moments, Happy people annoyed me so much. I thought they were fake. I bet some of them were. I assumed they were faking it. I was faking it.
And yet, there were some who were real. That’s how I figured out that I could be real and happy more often too. It would take some work. It didn’t mean I wouldn’t have crappy days, it just meant that my overall sense of peace and joy would be my more dominate feelings.
I am closing down the registration to Happy On The Inside soon, click here to register and get access right away.
