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Renee Jayne

Alone

in Emotional & Mental Health, Judgment, Love Yourself, Must Read, Relationships, Travel Tips on 05/16/17

ALONE. October 2012. Day 3 of my conference and 1 month post divorce.
Hurricane Sandy is approaching Manhattan.
The apartment I’m renting for a few days, from a friend, is downtown near Wall Street. I’m informed that I’m in the evacuation zone and I need to leave.
My flight is cancelled for tomorrow and I need to find a place to stay.
I’m literally on one of the last taxi rides out of downtown, traveling to midtown. I have the heaviest freak’n suitcases imaginable. I’m angry with myself for this choice as I am pulling it down NYC city streets during a hurricane. The irony is thick.
I get rejected four times while trying to find places to stay. People are sweet and scared. They share that their space is already full or they are trying to leave the city.
I find a friend who offers her couch and I feel so grateful for her and her roommate. I have no idea how I’m getting home to my son and where I’m staying the following night.
To say I’m vulnerable in this moment is an understatement.
The next day I find an inn {a hostel where you share a bathroom with the entire floor}. I chose it because it was a safe spot near union square and it was $139 a night. I walk a block to the only open store. I buy water. I buy some food. I buy candles. The wind blows me into the buildings as I walk back to my room.
Eventually the power is out. It’s 8pm. I’m completely alone in a hostel and I am thinking “how in the hell did I get here?”
I’m silent. I’m out of my comfort zone. I’m vulnerable. I’m scared. I’m convinced this place is haunted.
In my darkness, I am alone.
I was forced to be honest. I started to cry. I talked to the Universe. I screamed at God. I decided I needed to meditate. I punched the bed. Then I decided I needed to eat..
I ate almost all of my food. The idea of rationing was forgotten. I would have died on the deserted island if that had been the reality. (I ended up being stranded for another 4 days in NYC).
I ate my food fast and I knew I was eating for comfort. I wasn’t even hungry. I was avoiding being alone. I was avoiding the pain of having to look. at. myself. I thought the food would comfort me. I thought it would take away my feelings.
I thought it would fill the whole deep inside that was yearning to be filled.
Now the food was gone. I couldn’t see my book with candlelight anymore, it was too dark. I was forced to sit and be alone with me. I needed to see myself.
I comforted myself. I loved myself.
Then I got distracted. I hear all the families in the rooms around me. No one is speaking english. Somehow that was more soothing because I didn’t understand what they were saying. At least they have each other. At least I had them.
I began to meditate again. The wind was very strong. It kept interrupting my state. Jarring my nervous system with jolts of power.
The contrast that I am alone and I am never alone dawns on me. I begin to weep.
I am proud of myself for finding safe shelter in this storm.
I see the metaphor of this hurricane to my recent divorce. I weep some more.
I decide I need to stop surviving and start thriving.
I finally surrender to the loudness of the storm against our building. I allow it to rock me to sleep. I wake up in a wet puddle of tears on my pillow.
I plan my feet on the ground.
In my lightness, I am alone. I am safe.

Renee
#day31 #100creationsofselflove #100dayproject


I heard this woman speak last weekend. She described a regular state of anger and shame that she felt for herself. She was raw and honest.  Sometimes when we feel our worst, the last thing we want is “Happy”.  In fact, when I was in my low moments, Happy people annoyed me so much. I thought they were fake.  I bet some of them were. I assumed they were faking it. I was faking it.

And yet, there were some who were real. That’s how I figured out that I could be real and happy more often too. It would take some work.  It didn’t mean I wouldn’t have crappy days, it just meant that my overall sense of peace and joy would be my more dominate feelings.

I am closing down the registration to Happy On The Inside soon, click here to register and get access right away.

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renee__jayne

renee__jayne
Good morning ☀️ Good morning ☀️
When I look back on my life and consider the relat When I look back on my life and consider the relationships I attracted back then (that happened to be the most toxic or trauma bonded) it was for two big reasons.

1) unconscious seeking for security in things/people/sources outside of me.

Old Belief: “Once I have this, I will be safe. I will feel secure, everything will be okay”

Our security and safety come mostly from within. Certainly, more money or the next “magic pill” or quick fix or relationship can inspire some security, for a while...

It will not last or it will feel like a toxic relationship for as long as we are not Sourced in security and grounded within ourself. 

Note: we often need to look at the “bully’s, emotional abusive or passive aggressive relationships to see this. 
This could be with others or with yourself! Yes, you can “bully” yourself.

2) using things outside of me to cope due to dysregulated nervous system. (This is often not conscious to us at first)

Old belief: “once I have this it will help me “feel better”

These coping mechanisms work for a short while, until they do not anymore. 

(Food, the next “diet or workout plan”, the next shopping spree or purchase, drugs, alcohol, work, relationship, pharmaceuticals, etc)

We won’t be able to hold these things with any balance with a nervous system and emotional system that is dysregulated. 

Your nervous system is a complex network of neurons...
Basically, it’s the control center of your body!

All of your muscles, glands, sensations, smells, hearing, taste, touch, higher self are telling your body what to do.

Your nervous system is interpreting your body’s responses constantly.

We use things outside of us to try and regulate when we feel “out of balance” and sometimes those things just don’t serve us.

The crazy thing is: we will think the solution is in this “thing we need to have ASAP” and the solution we seek actually has nothing to do with “the thing”.

We’ve been taught the wrong way. 
Answers to things rarely come from outside of us.

Many of us were not taught about our nervous system and how it’s impacted by childhood trauma and how it’s the core reason we create a lot of the situations we are in (good or bad).
👇🏽👇🏽
Fantastic question....? Because big profits do no Fantastic question....?

Because big profits do not historically come from healthy people (when it comes to selling the anecdotes to their pain, anyway)

Because healthy people aren’t as easy to manipulate.

Because individuals with strong immune systems need less pharmaceuticals. This impacts Big Pharma’s profits and entire way of business.

Because mandating (I actually don’t like that word, but it works here) ... mandating vitamins and minerals would empower health and individual choice to choose health for one self.  Large corporations selling big pharmaceuticals, large amounts of sugar, fast food and factory and processed foods do not want empowered people because they are harder to sell to.
And big government structures that are run by unethical people can manipulate people who are vitamin deficient, because they get sicker more quickly.
What if your desire to get the lasting results you What if your desire to get the lasting results you’ve always wanted with your life (food, body, relationships, financial) was not about giving more attention to these things? 

What if your attention to the boring nothingness of life began to outweigh the attention you give to all the things you want right now?

Sounds silly, right?! 
Maybe backwards from what we've been taught culturally. 

We were taught to break free from life-long patterns of discontent by consuming information outside of us: learning, doing, pushing, striving.

And yet, it's not working so well, right?  At least not long-term. 

There is a place for education outside of us, yes, however, it doesn't do much for a nervous system that cannot hold the complexity of how we want to grow and evolve within that education and new wisdom.

People are trying to learn to "be still" and calm down their anxiety and maybe even meditate but their bodies cannot hold it yet. 
They struggle! 

So when your physical body and nervous system regulates...
 
Your whole game is changed as you learn to be with yourself. 
To be in your body, with your emotions and nervous system differently than you ever have before. 

Then your system can hold the capacity for the change you have always wanted. 

Make sense?

Love,
Renee 

PS. If I can help you with this radical shift in your life and you're interested in learning about The Somatic Freedom System that I created, send me a DM.
YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS IS MASSIVE AND YOU CAN DREAM NE YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS IS MASSIVE AND YOU CAN DREAM NEW DREAMS FOR NOT ONLY YOU, BUT FOR ALL OF HUMANITY. IMAGINE A RESPECTFUL, WIN-WIN SITUATION. CO-CREATE WITH YOUR TRIBE THE WORLD YOU DESIRE 💖
Rebirth, Adventure and Relationship 😉 Happy Ea Rebirth, Adventure and Relationship 😉

Happy Easter and Passover to all who celebrate. 
Also, important... HAPPY 4-4 BIRTHDAY to this wonderful man. 
(I know, I’m posting a day late)

After taking a purposeful and committed 2 years off of dating and romantic relationships, I opened myself up to dating last year (a 2020 version of it, 😉 ). 

During that time, a friend reached out to me and asked if he could give my phone number to a single friend of his.
I said yes. 
After a while, it felt strange to date others, so I stopped. 

Now, 7 months later and I don’t want to hide now 😉 

Meet Matt. ❤️ We are extremely compatible in all the ways and have so much fun together. Our purposes feel aligned and so does our relationship. So now you know ✨
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