As I type, I sit at my desk piled with paperwork.
Behind me there is a bookshelf housing a small fraction of my books.
To my right, a floor full of boxes that I must step over to get to the front door.
(I cannot see my floor)
To my left, large carpets leaning against the wall that I have to move in order to enter into my kitchen.
I just moved to a new place and the decision to do it and moving all happened within an 8-day window, with little notice and little preparation.
You see, I moved almost 10 months ago, after my divorce and I was not expecting to add another move in so quickly.
(but…life has different plans for me)
It took me forever to set up house 10 months ago… to nest, hang pics and unpack. Partially due to the fact that I was donating, gifting and throwing away lots while also being mom + biz owner + woman experiencing wholeness within herself after a 9 year marriage.
A couple months after I moved in, I noticed frequent headaches and fatigue. As a holistic practitioner, I began blaming it on my adrenals, the stress of the divorce or on my lack of sleep from working late. I blamed it on hormones. I was diagnosing, I was healing these things and eating uber healthy.
I was angry that I didn’t feel like “myself”.
Nothing was helping. In fact, I was doing weird things like falling asleep in mid conversation on the phone with people…
(Fast forward)
I had an expert come out and test — he found toxic black mold, 5 x the level deemed toxic.
I found the first apartment available that was clean, packed my son and I up and we were out within a week.
Mama bear protecting her baby came out in full force and I was somewhat relieved to finally discover the cause of my strange health issues and confirm that I was not completely losing my mind.
I put my biz (and blogs to you) on hold for a couple of weeks, with the exception of working with my incredible private clients — I’m grateful that I have the ability to step away for a bit.
I also have clearly seen how I waste time too.
The story I’ve been living: I’m the hardest worker I know.
Really, I can get so much done in a day, it’s quite impressive.
I used to be a workaholic so you can see how this story has taken shape and yep, on occasion, that addiction wants to creep in when I’m not practicing self love and worth.
The lesson.
That work ethic has served me but it’s also been my biggest nemesis.
Yes, I’m proud that I donated 3/4 of my wardrobe, 1/2 of my entire life and threw out another 1/4 of stuff and then packed up the rest of the house in several days.
Yes, I packed up my almost 4 year old and I and moved out a week later… I feel free, lighter and so grateful we discovered the mold before we got really sick. I appreciate the fact that this experience forced me to completely purge my life.
BUT… (you had to know this was coming)
I pushed way too hard… I noticed a pattern that creeps in: I push and push and push and then I burn out and I have very little left to give. Then it takes me a few days to charge back up again.
Granted, I moved. It’s emotional, life altering and let’s face it, hard physical labor.
But what an opportunity to use something so consuming as an opportunity to heal patterns and my relationship with time.
Time is an illusion, some would say.
Time is a perception made up by man and we use clocks to keep us on task.
More importantly, the lesson here is that we waste time when we do not live a life that is “In-Tune” with our body.
The way to be in tune with your body is to be present and live in the moments fully.
I’m very in tune with my body. More than the average, but I also spent the last 10 months not believing in the signs it was giving me and then pushing it hard core to the edge over and over again.
We will never get back the moments of yesterday. That “time” is long gone. It’s not lost time, it is valuable when you respect the lessons and become a student of them.
What I’ve gained.
A deeper practice to be present in the moments of my life. I’ve learned to live meditation versus have to only sit down for it.
I have an entirely new respect for my body and it’s messages. (listen when it is speaking to you!)
An enormous call to live even more authentically and naked. There is nothing more important to me than being real and creating deep intimacy in my closest relationships.
A reminder that I’m a student of life always. I want to always be open to learning from everyone and every thing.
To lead, create and share my gifts with the world, I have to let go and release habits that no longer serve me.
More energy and clean air. I literally can breath better (mold is terrible!)
Peace of mind. I know my son and I are safe.
Deeper appreciation for my family who stepped in and broke their backs to help us.
More clarity on my purpose and vision. I’m creating a program right now that will impact over 1 million people (that is scary to share, but also realistic)… Through this chaos, I created the plan to do this (i will share it with you too, don’t worry)
I’m lighter (energetically). I just let go of more than half of my stuff and the beliefs and memories attached to them. It is an indescribable feeling.
I think less and therefore I am more free.
Reminders of how important my diet is. Had my son and I not been eating so healthy, I’m confident we would have been in far worse shape from exposure to the mold levels.
So what now?
You take some of these ideas in as a student and you transfer them out into the world and teach others.
You become a more authentic leader.
You learn to love yourself naked.
Love to you and thanks for your patience during my hiatus.
I’ll see you next week,
Renee xoxo
